Wednesday, June 15, 2011


"I guess if I could survive, you could too?"
If it were that simple...
I'm not like you.
I'm not like anyone, I'm me.
I have a bunch of shit wrong with me.
In fact, I have a random bunch of CREEPS coming after me.
And of course, to you or anyone else that looks good.
"Yeah but at least you have guys that like you ! That want you !"
Well I wonder how good YOU'D feel if the only people who wanted you were the really disgusting creeps. That just makes it 12353 times worse, don'tcha think? If no one came , it'll just seem like the guys are either afraid or you're too good for them. Out of their league.
And I do want someone. Isn't that always the case?
I want to hate everyone, and not want any guy seriously. To just play around in my head, and that's it.
I found pablo and joe , not to go out with them. But to get butterflies, not to get serious.
And now i've fallen for someone. God dammit.
Good job eley. Out of the guys who want YOU..
none of them are the one YOU want. Your dreams all include him, and you can't help it.
You think of him, you consider his thoughts of you when you make decisions. You worry about his health and wellbeing. You just look at him adoringly when he's sitting there or taking notes.
You notice his shoes, your favorite of his shoes, his blue bracelet on his left arm. The way his eyebrows move up when he tries to see something on the board. The way he runs his fingers through his hair when he's frustrating. How his face gets red when he's laughing too hard. The way his hands are smooth and his fingers are long. How nice his green eyes are. You pay attention to the little things, and try to memorize everything you can.
I'm jealous of the people who can't fall for anyone. They aren't disappointed , because they can't get turned down. i'm disappointed. All the time. By everyone. By those friends who cancel on me, make bullshit excuses not to see me, avoid texting, don't pay attention to my stories.. all that shit. But i told them . I told them exactly what they were in for, and they told me it's okay. And then they backed out of it. Great job.
I'll take you for who you are. OH WAIT, no i won't lol. Just kidding. Its too much for me, im outt. Is that how it works? IS IT REALLY.
And now my friends are all barely around, and I have 1 or 2 random people to rely on .. and even they are here and there scattered times.. So who do I rely on? I've felt completely alone, up until freshmen year. My entire LIFE up until THEN. How dont you EXPECT Me to be clingy? OF COURSE I"LLFUCKING BE CLINGY !! How would you feel if everyone hated you for no fuckin reason at all, because you're NEW. If you were called an ugly, worthless, slut, that nobody wanted. If you were called stupid, had rocks thrown at, punched in the face, pushed walking home, taken advantage of, and had gum put into your hair. ?? how would you feel if you were the outcast, and then you finally felt like you found something. Like you finally could have FREEDOM, and suddenly.. EVERYONE abandons you AGAIN? Like how fuckin lovely would that be. And then ONTOP OF IT, your parents dont even KNOW . and they wont handle it well AT ALL if they did. And ONTOP OF IT, you fall in love ! and of course, THEYY DONT WANT YOU EITHER.
It's great.
it's awesome.
i want to run away .
just run. maybe not from home .but run.
and thats why i run. to feel like im leaving.
To get my anger out. To fuckin leave everything for a while.
I'll invest in running now.. in working out or something.
Something should be making me happy. SOMETHING. anything.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I am convinced

that my parents found the blade and just didn't want to say anything to me.
and i am also concerned, because my memory is failing.. i don't even remember where I last put it.

Saturday, April 2, 2011


Listen up .
I don't need you telling me eightysixthousand times that I need to do the dishes.
I don't need you telling me I'm irresponsible and angry all the time.
I have my own fuckin issues to deal with, and my own problems.
   It's as if you people have never been teenagers !!
I don't need you telling me what TIME i have to do the dishes or anything among that sort !
I just CANNOT fuckin wait until I move out, and I can do whatever the fuck I want.
I can do what I want with my room, I can do what I want with anything.
I won't have some schedule to fuckin do the dishes or anything. I do them when i want.
I like to wash them before I go to sleep, not in some random time, in the middle of a fuckin essay or something. Without 23590832532 reminders to do them, when I'm PERFECTLY FUCKIN AWARE !!
Oh and that 8 o'clock curfew? cute. soo fuckin cute. Because, when everybody else I know is out hanging out, I like sitting home alone doing nothing at all. It's just amazing.
 When you're a kid, you imagine being a teenager. Going out to parties, seeing your friends, getting a job, driving. Those movies make it look amazing. But in reality, you haven't been to one party. You barely see your friends. It's impossible to get a decent job. And you can't drive because it's impossible to get lessons. Really wonderful how I sit home and go on tumblr or facebook, envying everybody who's out with their friends. Because when I'm older.. I'd like to look back and think "i did so much. yeah... soo .. much.. i took soo many risks !! except, im lying. because i didn't do shit. because I wasn't allowed."
I'm really pissed offf lately. Seriously. I do so much shit , and deal with so much shit, and I still get a 97 average !!!  And yet, i get no praise for that whaatsoever.  "oh , good job" alright, gee thanks. Woww.. What's the use in trying so hard, when your parents aren't even pleased?? . I usually hear things from people like "I finally got an 85 average, my parents are gonna be SOO PROUDDD !!! "  and they get like 50$ for their good job. .. I get an 89 avg, because I dropped from 93 due to chemistry.. and I get yelled at , and a threat to take away everything I ownn because I wasn't doing a good job. T__T.
They are NEEEVER happy. They say they are, but in reality they keep score of all the things I did WRONG instead. jakgljelagjeklajge .

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I am rotting away in a hole.
And you're all too busy .
one made plans over the plans we had..
the other is too busy with her own problems
the other just doesn't care

we'll see where this takes me.
11 scars so far.
at this rate,
i'll have a million.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Suicide ...

seems to be on everybody's mind.
it's really stressing me out.
not that i seem to act all suicidal and shit,
but the fact that my closest friends are contemplating things like that
or things close to it,
and it really effects me.
how everything around me is falling apart as well,
and im trying to keep myself up, and keep them up as well,
while it's really impossible if they think that.
im kind of glad i don't have to pressure them in any way with my thoughts..
not that i don't want them to know or anything, and im not implying that their
thoughts and all of that are BAD for me.. i do want to hear them.. it's just..
i guess im happy they don't have to worry about me like that?
even though im dying for them to see what im feeling.
i mean, i don't know how emily would look at me if she knew i had been dying
to go drinking or try weed, or that i cut myself minorly sometimes,
or how anyone would react knowing i burst into tears every day, and feel like
there's a rotting piece inside of me that just gnaws into my emotions.
and i feel lifeless like i don't want to do anything.
hence, my lacking sense of prioritizing and doing homework and all that..

here i am

hoping every text I get, is from you.
while you're not even thinking of texting me.
or talking to me
or having anything to do with me.
every time i see you ,
i want to cry .
so here it goes.
2 hours a day of that sick to the stomach feeling,
because I'll be seeing you .

The Biggest Lies

I hear.. revolve around effort. Hearing how much people care about me, and are genuinely interested in my feelings and all of that. The biggest lie, it seems, is the one centered around promising me effort. When people swear they'll help me out, they'll see me, they'll talk to me, they'll try. Well if this is trying, I can't imagine how you'd slack.
I think i'll flat out tell people.. if you're going to leave me hanging, don't let me hold on to you in the first place. Tell me the truth. Much easier for both of us, really.
and once again, i'm left off where I started.
It's wonderful.
I feel like shit.
And nobody has noticed the scratches yet.
Not sure if that's good or bad yet...
these are definitely not my last ones. i can promise you, blog, that.